How highlighters made me bitter for a second

For a second I wanted to be this girl, who I stood behind on an elevator in one of the clinic buildings near the hospital. I saw this girl in baby blue scrubs, and four perfectly-aligned highlighters.

If you know anything about me, you'd know that writing instruments are one of the few things in life I'm picky about. I am extremely particular about the experience of writing (if it isn't a nice pen, you won't write neatly). I once read that neat handwriting is a courtesy to the reader. (Of course, I am in NO way implying an opinion about physicians...)

Anyway, it had been a long day, and I was on my way out when I became fixated on these highlighters. All I could think was, "what does this girl do, that she only needs four pretty highlighters in her pocket?" And then, "since they're so neatly arranged, does that mean she doesn't actually use them?" (Ie, does she actually do anything.)

Clearly med school has warped my thought processes, seeing pretty highlighters and having such a visceral response. Overwhelmingly I was reminded of my own (short) white coat..a few shades off from the bright white when it was new (ok, a lot), jammed with pens (one of each color, a highlighter, permanent marker and penlight!), lip gloss, a few dollars, a radiation badge, a bunch of old patient lists covered in notes that I eventually want to organize and copy into my "little black book," reference charts, my phone and pager, a small bottle of ibuprofen, and probably a bunch of other random stuff.

I know that that moment was one of my "why am I doing this again" thoughts, which seem more frequent but fleeting, the closer I get to graduation.

I had this instantaneous yearning to have a normal, predictable job where all you need in your pockets are four highlighters. As quickly as that feeling came and went, the next brief thought was, "that seems like a horrible job; how boring and unrewarding would that be?"

Then I just felt guilty for having such a cruel thought, and then I remembered how really, really tired I was, and if I hadn't taken the picture I probably wouldn't have remembered it for this blog anyway.