One of the really great lessons I learned from my experience in the addiction clinic is that of forgiveness. I know that one of the 12 steps in Alcoholics Anonymous (wow, I've been to way too many of these groups, as a med student of course!) is about forgiveness. When the group started discussing it this time, I thought, psh, this isn't something I can apply at all. I had been able to use a lot of the behavioral techniques in other areas of my life- controlling anxiety, restructuring my assumptions so I have fewer irrational "girl moments," etc. But forgiveness?? I didn't have anyone to forgive or ask for forgiveness.
Boy was I wrong. Looking back, I've had a pretty amazing life. It's been a struggle- I've worked for most things I've gotten (a least the big stuff, and the recent stuff, like med school). But one thing that I'd pushed from my mind was my last relationship. I'm so thankful for a wonderful relationship right now, but I realized during this group that I still hadn't really forgiven my ex. The relationship turned my life upside-down at the beginning of medical school, right when I needed stability the most, and although I've "gotten over it," I don't think I ever had closure.
These days I'm so busy, so I choose to ignore or suppress memories and events that are unsettling. I am aware that this is an immature defense mechanism, but honestly I guess I think "I'll deal with it when I have more time." Which by the way, in the life of a med student, is never. So I think I'm getting out easy. But then it just builds up, a million of these "I'll just forget it" moments, and I'm full of anxiety again.
The idea of forgiveness isn't easy. And even more, how do you freaking accomplish this? You don't usually just wake up one day and think, my conscious and subconscious has forgiven this person! So I guess part of my problem was not knowing how to start.
The counselor, one of my new heroes, made it really simple. AA is Christian-based, but it doesn't have to be religious (you pray to your HP, or "higher power" for all of these things). Anyway, for it to work, he told us, you have to get down on your knees and pray. (I'm not super-duper religious, for those of you who don't know me. This was kind of awkward.) You ask for all the things you want for yourself- happiness, closure, a good relationship, success, money, whatever. Then you finish at the end by saying that you wish all of those things for whoever you are forgiving.
The thing is, you don't have to really mean it. That's why you say that at the end- that it's for that other person. You can better reflect on what you want (or what any other reasonable person would want) and then stick that on the end. And again, you don't really have to mean it. But it you do it over and over again- 14 days to be exact- the counselor said that you would forgive the person.
I still thought this was crazy. But I had realized that I needed to forgive my ex. So I tried it. I asked for all the things I wanted, then threw in a few that I already had (good relationship specifically, since that was my big issue with him), and asked for it to be given to him.
I didn't feel any different. And I have to confess I only did it one day. But the craziest part was that night, I had a dream where we met face to face and I was able to verbalize my forgiveness and I had an overwhelming sense of peace about that part of my life for the first time. The reason this kind of dream is so weird is that for the past couple of months I've only had nightmares where I'm about to die. (That's a whole different blog unto itself...obviously my stress has manifested itself in my sleep.)
Anyway, I probably should have finished out the two weeks but I figured at least my subconscious had at least partially forgiven him. (This is a great example of how my life is full of "I'll do it later" thoughts.) So the point is, if you have someone you are still angry with, or even someone who doesn't like you for some reason and you can't figure out why (the counselor suggested that scenario), and you're willing to try this, it might help.
No comments:
Post a Comment